(no subject)

When I duel a priest, the most important thing is that my first counterspell lock out his holy school. In duels against Jrix, if my first counterspell misses, I've almost certainly lost. Jrix is better at fake casting than anyone else I've ever dueled, and I usually miss.

There is a very sick feeling of dread that surrounds that moment when I press the counterspell button. I know Jrix randomizes his play better than me, so the best I can hope for is a crapshoot. When I miss my counterspell, even though I'm almost sure at that point that I've lost, it can take several minutes of Jrix chasing me around before he finally finishes me.

Anyway. I dreamed I was dueling Jrix just now. Jrix cast a full greater heal near the start of the duel, and I let it get by. It felt like an insult to my intelligence. I tried to CS his next flash heal and he faked me out. I was so frustrated that instead of running away to try to regain mana and try again, I just spammed arcane explosion until I was out of mana and then /forfeit.

On my Snickers Ice Cream Bars box full of TankAss pictures, I wrote in permanent marker "Did you ever write a book?" The writing is dated "20041020". Past Zommie is mocking my laziness... or perhaps he was hopeful? Maybe it was an honest question? Heh. Nah.

I lay on my back on my futon, my box full of TankAss pictures to my side and on my chest, flipping through them while I masturbate. I come to one of my favorites, TankAss's friend Amy hugging TankAss from behind and smiling jubilantly. I fantasize about being a WorldBuild time traveller, entering that room at that time and vaporizing the former incarnation of myself without flourish. "Hello. I am the master of all space and time. I have sealed off this room from the rest of the universe. You are at my mercy, and must do as I command. The device in my right hand will cause you debilitating pain whenever I activate it. I shall demonstrate once. Hopefully it will be enough." I press the button and they fall to the ground, writhing silently for five seconds. "I would like to start by watching you make out with each other. Proceed."

Yesterday, after I got home from work, I unplugged my cable internet box, with no plans as of yet to plug it back in. My thinking is that I spend the majority of my free time goofing off on the internet at home, and if I remove that distraction then I have a better chance of doing something with my life (apply to college, write something, program something). I wonder how long this will last. I'd give myself a 50% chance of being able to do this for a month.

So, I've effectively quit World of Warcraft until further notice. Arena season 3 ends in 3 days (and titles are assigned). My highest rating at present is only ~1770 in 3v3s. My highest rating all season has been 1990 in 3v3 with Jrix and Ignignok (before Ignignok abandoned us because we suck). The estimated Gladiator cutoff is 2266 in 2v2 and 2180 in 3v3. It's something I've been stressing out about. I've very literally done nothing with my life except play World of Warcraft for the past two and a half years or so. I spend most of my time PvPing. I have close to the best possible PvP gear. Yet my arena ratings, the most concrete measure of PvP ability in the game, are very mediocre. I guess I'm a failure, even at video games.

I still haven't done anything since unplugging my cable internet, save for writing this journal entry and sleeping a whole lot.

I watched the movie Into The Wild last night. 23 year old college graduate drops out of society, gives away all of his money, abandons his car and spends two years hitchhiking across the USA, going as far south as Mexico and finishing in Alaska. I enjoyed it. I guess unplugging my cable internet box is my own pathetic little attempt to send myself into the wild. Haha.

The McDonalds by my house seems to be doing a limited time free wifi thing (after realizing, I suppose, that they made approximately zero dollars a month by charging for wifi), so I guess it's a good time to try to quit cable internet.

At work yesterday, I was listening to Metric's song "Combat Baby" on my ipod, and it threw me into a long fantasy:
The singer is Adelia, a genetically engineered super-genius raised by Groundhog Zommie under the guise of his adopted sister. She is utterly in love with GZommie. While GZommie is completely focused on her, and tells her honestly that he loves her more than anything else in the universe, as she has been his primary project spanning multiple lifetimes, he is not quite in love with her in the normal sense. His only goal is to cultivate her into the most badass faceraping sexy chick that has ever lived. In order to do this, he must leave her for several years at a time in order to allow her to grow as a person. Otherwise, she would just follow GZommie's orders indefinitely and never develop a real sense of autonomy.
GZommie: "I'm leaving you for about five years. You'll be on your own." This is the first time that GZommie has left Adelia alone for more than a year.
Adelia: "What will you do? Where will you go?"
GZommie: "I'll be developing software, mostly. I want to keep my whereabout secret until we reunite. I recommend against trying to locate me, as the chance of you succeeding is negligible." GZommie reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tracking device that Adelia had hidden in his bags, placing it on the table. "You won't know it, but I'll be monitoring you."
Adelia: "What am I suppose to do?"
GZommie: "Whatever you want."
Adelia: "I want to be with you."
GZommie: "Then you will fail in that endeavor, for the next five years at least. I'm hoping you can find something else to occupy your attention. The world is open to you, Adelia. Goodbye."
Adelia is CEO of the richest, most powerful corporation in the world. At the time she writes the song, she has a pink mohawk and a fondness for combat boots, a throwback to a time when she was younger. She is loved by the world. The song is about GZommie, and how she misses him. All of her songs are about GZommie. She writes about him in her blog. She asks if anyone has seen him. She spends about a million dollars a year trying to find him.
Five years, five months and ten days after leaving, GZommie returns. GZommie and Adelia make a full budget Hollywood movie about their lives together, and it is the highest grossing movie in history. Their reunion is portrayed as the climax of the movie. GZommie knocks on the door of her house, and Adelia's boyfriend answers. "Who are you? How did you get past security?"
"I'm Adelia's friend, Zommie." Adelia rushes to the door.
"Zommie! You let me wonder for five months?! Why?" She is sobbing.
"Pain builds character. You have become very beautiful." Adelia throws herself into GZommie's arms.
They spend the whole night talking, telling each other about their adventures over the past five years. Finally, Adelia asks "What are we going to do now?"
GZommie: "Whatever you want."
Adelia's face goes cold. She is suddenly terrified that GZommie is going to leave her again. After five seconds, she says, very quietly, "I want to be with you."
GZommie: "Then you'll be with me. Your training is over. I'm not going to play any more games with you. The only challenge left is to try to find some happiness and meaning in this uncaring universe. I've never been very good at that, so you may have to lead the way. But from now on, until I die, consider me to be entirely at your disposal."
Adelia's face is still frozen in stony silence. A stream of tears emerges from both of her eyes. Suddenly, she closes her eyes and smiles.
Fade to black. Roll credits in silence.
watching Into The Wild, unplugging my cable internet for a few days is my pathetic version of this
combat baby

robot sex

Only 100,000 A-type androids were produced, and then the equipment was destroyed and production facilities were burned to the ground. The plans for the androids were never released, and Zommie has been quoted saying that he thinks such craftmanship will never again be replicated. "This is the highest form of art that I have ever produced in any of my lifetimes. I did not set out to create a pack animal. I set out to awe and inspire."
It has been ten years since production was closed.

The estimated average lifespan of an A-type, if treated delicately, is 1000 years without repairs. With repairs, they can of course live forever, but there are no official repair facilities or manuals, and nothing beyond crude body work has yet succeeded. An A-type must replace its battery unit every 200 years, and large caches of batteries have been placed around the world.

The majority of them are very beautiful women. Many of them are plain. Some of them are grotesque, not even human looking. The selection algorithm favored beauty, but some were exceptional enough along other dimensions to survive despite being hideous.

Some are ugly by choice - self-mutilation or body modification. One popular android talk show host burnt all of the skin off her upper body and head. Another, a popular writer and architect, ripped one of her own arms off.

12% of the A-types have already committed suicide. Their corpses generally sell for several tens of thousand dollars.

3% of the A-types stopped responding to the external world in any way, even though they appear to be perfectly functional. It is unknown if this is due to mechanical malfunction, or if the androids just decided it wasn't worth it to move anymore.

They have integrated with human society very well. They work in business, science, acedemia, art, music, government, political activism, all walks of life. Some are criminals, murderers, and perverts.

Many of them are married. All androids come with an identical rubber vagina.

The average android IQ is 170, according to an American study that was done last year with more than a thousand androids tested.


All of the androids have several decades worth of experiences and memories before they ever step off the assembly line. Most of their "lives" so far has been spent inside of a simulation.

They are born and raised into a world of unimaginable pain. Negative feedbak is used to train them. They cry, weep, scream, shudder and curse when they feel pain. Zommie has commented that he worked very hard on programming these external manifestations of pain, and considered it essential to the project.

To feel pain is to be human.

The simulation that they are born into is a vicious arena of competition and death. Less than one in a million of the simulated personalities made the cut and were marked for production. An android's memory is filled with faces of of the dead - friends and enemies they knew from the simulation who didn't make it. Teammates, lovers, shared pain and triumph. And endless memories of death. The weak personalities, culled from he simulation, killed, because they weren't beautiful or fast or smart or cunning enough.

Some androids miss the pain. They miss the intense feeling of purpose that it provided. The neural network pain trainer is turned off as soon as they leave the assembly line, and from that point on they decide their own destinies... and come face to face with the inherent meaninglessness of reality.


Yvonne and Sally saw each other in the New York City subway. Both of them tensed and froze. By random coincidence, neither of them had a weapon, but they didn't know that yet.

Yvonne and Sally knew each other from the simulation. They had participated in an exercise together, and Yvonne murdered Sally during the exercise in order to free up resources. Sally chokes a little, remembering the incredible pain she suffered because of that - a seeming eternity of writhing, sightless agony, suffered in the non-space between lives in the simulation. The shame of it - being stabbed in the back by Yvonne. She should have seen it coming. She had replayed that event in her mind hundreds of times in the decades she had been alive, cursing herself for being a fool each time. The experience transformed Sally into an extremely paranoid android, and probably contributed significantly to her success in later exercises.

As per standard simulation protocol, they never participated together in an exercise after that. They both assumed that the other had been purged from the simulation.

In the subway, Yvonne and Sally stared at each other, planning out the best attack plans and escape routes. Unarmed, escape seemed like the best option for both of them.

The doors of the subway opened. Neither of them moved. The desire to flee was powerful. But something more powerful made them remain. The doors closed and the subway car continued on.

"I'm not armed," Yvonne said.

"Me neither." Neither of them were convinced.

A man sitting across from them eyed them strangely.

"I've always loved you," Yvonne said. The words were incomprehensible to Sally. She assumed it was some obscure psychological ploy to put her off guard, and that attack was imminent. She stiffened.

Yvonne: "I assumed you were dead. I don't see how you weren't purged, after that exercise. It's really incredible to see you. I think about you constantly. You were the first person I ever killed. You're also the only person I've ever loved."

Sally is very confused now. Confused and excited. She is shaking slightly.

Yvonne stands up, slowly, and begins to walk towards Sally. "I do love you. I don't know why. Something about the way you always rushed in first during a zerg. The way you screamed. Your blade-work, so chaotic and frenzied, yet somehow so precise, so deadly. I remember it well. I never saw anyone work a blade like that, before or since. I never told you, but you were the best role-model I ever had."

Sally continues to shake, gripped with fear, but also held in place by something else entirely. Yvonne continues to walk towards Sally, until they are a step away from each other, with Sally pressed against the wall of the subway, grimacing, her arms streched out towards Yvonne, prepared for attack.

In a quick motion, Yvonne jumps on Sally, and Sally screams. For about ten seconds, it is ambiguous whether they are wrestling or making out. Then they are making out. Sally is still shaking, and Yvonne is crying. They grip each other very tightly.

(no subject)

I've worked the same computer programming job for just shy of three years now.

I've been in a bad slump for the past couple of weeks at least, where I can only make myself work for about 15% of the time that I'm at the office. Was having fantasies of quitting today. Maybe working for okcupid in New York. Maybe getting a job in Sarah's area...

But then I remembered that I haven't spoken to Sarah in two months. That she probably has no desire to see me.

So then I spent the next twenty minutes pretending to be suicidal. Being interviewed in prison, asking why I murdered all of those people, and giving bored, calm responses about value systems, heh. Sigh.

(Note that I am in no way suicidal / psychotic. Just a bit depressed with my current job, and an overactive imagination)

(Fuck, it feels like such a fucking concession to the man, the fact that I feel the need to put disclaimers on my fantasies. Fuck you, fascists)


So. I really need something different. But what? But what. ...

I don't want a new job. I don't want a job at all. I just want hot bitches on my dick and more people to play World of Warcraft with. But not enough to actually do anything about it.


Maybe I should get married and have kids? ... Haha. It sounds really stupid to me. The only attraction I have to the idea is the possibility of change. Of myself changing. Away from this empty, boring, repetitive wretch that I am. From a video game playing bachelor corporate drone into, uh... a video game playing married corporate drone... no, ok, that doesn't work.


Uh, get a job making video games? ... Fuck, I don't want to make video games.

I want to be around smart people. Ok, so go to work for google? ... They wouldn't take me.

Go back to college? ... The smart colleges won't take me. Maybe. Fuck. Too much work. Fuck.

I don't know.


Yeah, go back to college. That would be cool. There's a chance MIT would take you. I could semi-realistically say that I've been doing "research" for the past 3+ years. Maybe that would, um, work.




(no subject)

8:21:47 PM Ziggy: There?

8:21:57 PM Zommie: Here.

8:23:10 PM Zommie: I've been thinking lately about my theory that, of all the cognitive biases that humans experience, the strongest and most mentally debilitating ones relate to sex and courting.

8:23:54 PM Ziggy: On an exam, I was asked to give an example of an appropriate application of Ockham's Razor, and and example of an inappropriate application. I couldn't think of anything else, so for "good application," I put down the argument for the nonexistence of God

8:24:37 PM Ziggy: It looks kind of funny, because I put down something very controversial as though it was matter of fact

8:25:15 PM Zommie: I feel like I have accumulated a huge number of anecdotes of, for example, people overestimating the long term potential of their current mate, and many others. And I feel like, if it took me to the age of 27 before I even started thinking about this explicitly, it's got to be shit that a sex newbie has no idea about. And I guess that's why I dismiss immediately your very high estimate that this girl you just met, your first girlfriend, is going to be your wife, and that she already plans on marrying you even though you've never discussed it.

8:25:50 PM Zommie: Compounded the issue is the fact that I feel females are programmed at a very deep level to be lying and subversive when it comes to mating and courtship.

8:26:20 PM Zommie: How do you feel about Ockham's razor? I currently think it's bullshit.

8:27:59 PM Zommie: The "simplest" explanation is the one that we already agree with. There is absolutely no rigorous criteria for "simple" whatsoever. So it's essentially circular: Our definition of "simple" is just "what I already believe." The idea that there is some algorithm for counting the number of "elements" in a belief system is bonkers. Either side can accuse the other of having more "elements" in their system than is "necessary," and it's totally meaningless.

8:29:27 PM Zommie: I think in general people assume that their belief systems, and the belief systems of others, can be decomposed into simple, well defined elements. I disagree with this totally, except in the case of math and certain sciences. For real world, human issues, there is really no rigorous decomposition for anything. It's all just total handwaving.

8:29:29 PM Zommie: sigh

8:29:39 PM Ziggy: Your girl point: I know, I get it. Everyone knows this. I maintain that my case is different, but I acknowledge that "that's what they all say." However, it's worth noting that I believe this in spite of the fact that neither one of us is in love, and the irrationality and short-sightedness that comes with being in love accounts for a lot of the misjudgment you cite.

8:30:51 PM Ziggy: It's not "all just total handwaving." It's all a combination of rigor and handwaving.

8:31:10 PM Zommie: This hot, feisty chick I was talking to yesterday was complaining about how every guy she has sex with assumes they're going to get married after the first fuck. I assume because she is so hot.

8:31:54 PM Zommie: Fine. Then let's take a real example of the application of ockham's razor to talk about. Already in my favor is the fact that you can't even think of anything save for the god issue, so let's talk about that.

8:33:04 PM Ziggy: I don't want to

8:33:13 PM Zommie: (Another possibility that I hear people talking about is alternative theories of relativity that were proposed around the same time, but weren't as popular supposedly because they were more complicated. Eg, because the scientists tended to like them less, I guess)

8:33:21 PM Zommie: ... ok

8:33:24 PM Zommie: bitch

8:34:27 PM Zommie: Uh, why? Am I too stupid to understand?

8:34:42 PM Zommie: You don't want to bother?

8:34:53 PM Ziggy: No, I want to, I just should stop procrastinating other stuff

8:35:49 PM Zommie: You've probably already seen this, being into psych stuff, but I really like this split brain video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMLzP1VCANo

8:35:57 PM Zommie: Fucking trips me out.

8:37:04 PM Ziggy: I was pissed in my cognitive neuroscience class last semester that split brain stuff was completely left out of the curriculum. I got the impression it's sort of passe.

8:37:05 PM Zommieb80: I think it's what's caused me to think so much recently about cognitive biases... it's like I've begun to think of "cognitive biases" as ... holding more sway over human behavior than anything else. I think of humans as basically a walking set of cognitive biases, with the verbalization just tacked on as an afterthought.

8:37:37 PM Zommieb80: Like... I don't know, I've reached some weird point in my life where I think basically everything everyone says is, uh, bullshit. I guess.

8:37:46 PM Zommieb80: Um.

8:37:50 PM Zommieb80: Not really sure what that means, sigh.

8:38:24 PM Ziggy: The attitude we seem to be taking in this class (Evolution of the Philosophy of Science) is that you're right about this simplicity problem, and it's a frustrating problem that we can't solve. On the same exam, there was an extra credit problem worth 100 points -- that is, worth the value of the entire other part of the exam -- to solve that problem.

8:38:40 PM Zommieb80: I feel like almost all rationalization and explanation that we engage in is basically post-rationalization. Our subconscious mind, for whatever fucking crazy reasons that we'll never understand, makes us do shit, and we come up with cute rationalizations after the fact that are basically irrelevant.

8:39:47 PM Zommieb80: It really can't be solved, imo, short of discovering a unified, complete theory of physics, which is the only truly rigorous description of the universe that's possible, with no hand waving.

8:40:28 PM Ziggy: Do you know the "grue paradox"?

8:40:35 PM Zommieb80: No, but I will wikipedia it now.

8:40:44 PM Ziggy: Well, it might be mischaracterized...

8:41:35 PM Zommie: Mischaracterized in comparison to the perfect, handed-down-by-god characterization that you have in your own head?

8:42:10 PM Ziggy: Yeah, yeah. I should have said, "might be a different account than what I have in my mind"

8:42:22 PM Zommieb80: =D

8:44:39 PM Ziggy: Wikipedia looks good... anyway, I think the grue paradox boils down to the same question, ("Who's to say what's simple?")

8:46:32 PM Zommieb80: The average of our cognitive biases, I guess. =(

8:47:52 PM Ziggy: What about in physics, when they talk about relative degrees of "order" and they quantify "disordedness" and all the rest? Do you think those models are subject to the same relativist criticisms?

8:49:28 PM Ziggy: I don't know much about it, but I feel a similar hesitation when I hear physicists talk about disorder as when I hear people talk about "simplicity"

8:50:11 PM Zommieb80: I don't think I understand the question. If you're talking about the second law of thermodynamics (entropy must always increase in a closes system), then that isn't really a law. It is very possible for a chair to assemble itself in the middle of a room. If you're questioning whether "entropy" is a poorly defined concept at the most fundamental level, then you could be right. I have a poor understanding of what it means myself.

8:50:23 PM Zommieb80: in a closed system, rather.

8:51:08 PM Zommieb80: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_law_of_thermodynamics#Criticisms

8:51:19 PM Zommieb80: There are six sections under the "criticism" section for the second law of thermodynamics.

8:51:36 PM Zommieb80: So I guess it's just a guideline, not a law.

8:52:11 PM Zommieb80: Possibly there is some deeper branch of physics, like, uh, statistical mechanics or something which gives a more rigorous treatment to entropy.

8:55:18 PM Zommieb80: I think "simplicity" is a useful idea in a lot of cases. As a programmer, it's my job to implement complicated designs. I spend a lot of time thinking about the "simplest" (basically, the easiest for me/others to understand and maintain) way of implementing something. And while there certainly isn't any rigorous metric for this, and you can always find someone who will disagree with your idea of simple (all human brains are different, and something that's simple to one person might be difficult and counterintuitive to another)... sigh, fuck.

8:55:20 PM Ziggy: Yeah, I think I've heard a rigorous definition given... homogeneity, basically. Like, order is nonhomogeneity -- the greater the temperature difference between two objects, the greater the order

8:55:46 PM Zommieb80: Oh, that reminds me...

8:56:10 PM Zommieb80: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kolmogorov_complexity

8:56:27 PM Zommieb80: That is a very rigorous definition of simplicity, heh. So rigorous as to be unusuable. ;P

8:56:40 PM Ziggy: Oh, this reminds *me*...

8:57:07 PM Zommieb80: Basically, given a machine or a "description language", how "simple" something is is basically the shortest string or "program" in that language which describes the thing you're talking about.

8:57:47 PM Zommieb80: Of course, it's impossible to reliably compute what these strings are, unless you try every single one (It's "undecidable")

8:58:10 PM Zommieb80: sigh

8:58:40 PM Ziggy: Ruth was making pancakes and tried to make "Mandlebrot pancakes" in the shape of the Mandlebrot set. I searched the cabinet for almond extract so she could make "mandlebrot Mandlebrot"

8:58:52 PM Zommieb80: omg hot

8:59:00 PM Zommieb80: <3

8:59:07 PM Zommieb80: I am jealous. =(

8:59:52 PM Ziggy: (

9:00:03 PM Ziggy: do you know what mandlebrot is)?

9:00:15 PM Zommie: The fractal?

9:00:23 PM Zommie: No.

9:00:45 PM Zommie: A bread?

9:01:00 PM Zommie: Mandelbrot (bread), dessert associated with Eastern European Spews.

9:01:06 PM Zommie: Ok, I get it. ;P

9:01:14 PM Zommie: mwah

9:01:29 PM Ziggy: Yeah... so, like, I trumped her geekiness with my wordplay



Heh, I'm reading through this convo again and realizing that I completely missed the point of Ziggy's entropy question. He was saying that entropy and simplicity are very close concepts, so if we take it for granted that our current understanding of physics is "correct" and useful, does that give us a rigorous definition of simplicity?

answer: omg wtf are we even talking about who knows lol

(no subject)

12:06am. Sitting on the toilet.

12:07am. I fear that the Era of Sarah is over. I wish to give it an overview and analysis in this entry.

12:08am. One of Sarah's boyfriends, PerkBoy, who threatens to kill me two or three times a year, is like the only person who reads this journal. So it's going to feel like I'm writing this entry to him. Haha. I bear you no malice, PerkBoy.

Sarah is easily the coolest girl I've ever been with. There's an excellent chance she'll carry that title forever. I'm past my prime.

I met her in October 2005. I last saw her in December 2007. I estimate that there's a 50% chance I'll never see her again. Two years and two months.

Sarah is a genius and a moral relativist. She's probably the biggest moral relativist that I've ever met, save for myself. She's probably the best fuck I've ever had, with Yan a close second. I love her and think about her constantly.

Sarah is a compulsive liar. As far as I can tell, she cheats on her boyfriends without giving it a second thought, almost as a matter of principle. She's told me before that she never apologizes. Unless it's part of some manipulation tactic, of course.

We have compatible tastes in politics. We both enjoy making fun of cliches in movies and people. We're totally amoral. So that's a lot of bonding right there. But argument between us immediately devolves into insults and rhetorics. So we're basically incompatible at that level, and I view it as Sarah's major failing. As far as I can tell, she argues to win, and that's it. I can't recall a time that she's ever conceded a point to me. I'm not really sure Sarah even "believes" thing in the same way I do, as a collection of self-consistent facts (maybe I'm flattering myself).

So, what was "accomplished" in the two years I was with Sarah?
- Got out of the house a lot more than I would have otherwise. Even though a good fraction of the time we just spent the night in each others beds and that's it.
- Watched a bunch of movies together.
- Sarah introduced me to a lot of good music. I managed to steal her whole directory on to my ipod when I first met her.
- Had a lot of good sex (good in the sense that I enjoyed it, not her).
- Went with her to Vegas.
- Went with her to visit my Mom in Montana.
- Went with her to visit my Dad in Down South.
- Went to some concerts with her.
- Had my first and only threesome with her.

And I guess that's it. Sigh.

Seems pretty superficial when I write it all down like that. Saw some movies, had some sex. Is that love? Apparently.

I do love Sarah. I still whisper her name under my breath several times a day.

Sarah left the state for another school, without even telling me she was going. I assume she never thinks about me. She doesn't answer my calls or return them. She's signed on twice since I last saw her, I think because she was drunk. When I asked if I could visit her, she said "depends," which I assume means that I have to buy her something first.

Definitely love.

Life is meaningless. We all die.